He wept

O Lord,

I feel like I have succumbed to the 'busyness',
not actually connecting, avoiding sitting still,
prayer and cleaning peace...
Either busy,
exhausted,
or procrastinating.

I long for surrender and peace
- get impatient -
all I have to do wells up,
but little gets done.

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy

All the activity - buzzes - headache,
and I'm in 'survival mode' –
mistakes, commitments made and forgotten...

Find Me in the stillness of your soul.
I have retreated deep within so you will come looking for Me.

My dear Jesus - I avoid because then they'll say,
see, you are wrong to follow You into Church...
I sink and ache for ...

My Peace, child?

Especially the warm love which arises out of simple obedience -
the trust, Lord.

Put your trust in Me, as you did then...
In the stillness of your soul
Afresh, all those practises are valuable
- see, even Vassula, she wrote in a slower, graceful hand to hear Me.
All the time in the world.

Lord,
I wish the surrender again,
the trust...

Trust in Me.

Your Church has hurt Lord - a rollercoaster ride.
LORD!?
That was the look between Mary and Jesus on the the road!
- her pleading:

"Why have you hurt me so?
I thought you loved me,
that I was a friend, eager to sit at Thy Feet.
I thought that with You, You would protect me from pain.
And instead I have watched my brother suffer, grow weaker.
Helpless I comforted him, waiting for You to come.”

And still I waited as I watched him sink into death,
wept as we waited, then washed and dressed the body,
wondering if we had displeased You.
The hope gone, no-one could console me.

And then they said You had come.
O, how heavy my heart, my legs, my body.
Ashamed of my anger, turned inward like a knife.
How could I give my heart to You again,
when You can pierce it with indifference?

So, I gathered up my shawl, took my stick
and walked the road my sister had dashed up.
People followed - we had buried Lazarus in the cave
and assumed we were to visit him again.
When I saw You in the distance,
the hot flush burned through me,
my knees melted, my eyes burned.
So beloved!
so exquisite in every way, even so far.
“O LORD, my beloved, my friend,
how can I approach You with this despair burning in my heart?”

But my feet kept leading me
step by reluctant step
towards Him.
The dusty stones,
the cliff rising beside me.
And as I came, dear friend,
He looked up.

Our eyes locked.

“O dear Mary”, one Look said,
“A pitiable shadow of the glowing face I saw at My feet,
that drank in every word and laughed in the flow.
Now the darkness envelops you,
and you are afraid to come near.
Your eyes burn with confusion and pain.

“O, my child,
it is for your greater joy I delayed,
to reveal My Father's loving command
- even death has no power.

Sweet friend,
dry your reddened eyes,
I am sorry.
My trusting sparrow, caught in the crossfire.
Come, let us show together the eternal life,
The love-giving glory of our Father.

And He took my hand and lead me to my brother's grave.
It was not far.
He sighed,
tears still glistening in His eyes,
looked to Heaven, implored His Father:
"This will not be in vain.
Lazarus, come forth!"

Martha's exclamation, "He will stink!" melted my sorrow in an instant.
And to see my brother walk out of the dark cave, stone rolled away,
the cloths I had wrapped him in three days before
still clinging to his startled body....!

O, as people fell in fear,
I wanted to shout and dance for tearful joy,
because my brother had returned,
his scars and pain all washed away,
but also,
my trust and joy was bursting to fulness.

See now, how adorable my Lord is?
How tenderly He loves me,
Loves us all,
and wants to lead us all again to His Father in Heaven?

Glory to God in the highest
and peace to his people on earth!